Loss with Christi Kmecik of Written Hugs Designs.

 Christi Kmecik shares her journey with loss and how she was drawn to create a beautiful line of grief cards. She also gives tips on how to support someone who is grieving on the latest episode of Ask the Doulas.      

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Transcript

Christi Kmecik shares her journey with loss and how she was drawn to create a beautiful line of grief cards.  She also gives tips on how to support someone who is grieving.

Hello, hello!  This is Kristin with Ask the Doulas, and I am excited to chat with my friend Christi Kmecik.  Christi is the owner and founder of Written Hugs Designs.  She’s been married to her husband Gary for over 13 years.  She has three kids, and she started Written Hugs Designs to help people feel more seen, more connected, and less alone. 

Welcome, Christi! 

Thank you!  Happy to be here! 

I would love to learn a bit about your journey, and being that Ask the Doulas supports families from the early family planning stage through the toddler years, I’d love to hear more about how your business helps families with all different types of loss. 

Yeah, happy to share.  I’ve been through a lot of different kinds of loss myself in this space.  I’ve been through miscarriages, and it was really through the seasons of miscarriages in my life that I first began to realize how uncomfortable we are as a society with grief, with pain, with loss, especially when it comes to babies or miscarriages or stillbirths.  And my experience led me to circles of other grieving parents who had different stories to mine, but we all had a very similar feel, that society in general doesn’t know how to show up for us, doesn’t know how to make space for us.  And that was kind of the beginning of my desire to help change things.  Written Hugs Designs – I started it in hopes of helping people connect through the hard things when words are hard to find, and acknowledging how holidays are harder when you’re grieving.  I remember the first Christmas after my first miscarriage, and it just felt like the rest of the world had already moved on, and I still couldn't breathe.  I really found that in sitting in different supportive circles or in my own life experience, that it seemed like everyone else was grieving an announcement and I was grieving a lifetime.  It was a very disconnected experience of grief and perception and reality and all of the things. 

So what I do when I design a card is I’m trying to help bridge the gap for people to feel more seen.  I think these cards should exist.  I think some of the these things are hard to say for the average person, and I am somebody who values words very deeply.  Words are sacred to me, and I also empathize a lot with other people and what they’re going through, so I’m happy to create these things in an effort that the person receiving a card from someone feels seen, feels less alone, feels more connected and not isolated and disconnected like I felt through so many things. 

That is so lovely.  And I do feel like it’s hard with traditional cards to really express the deep sorrow that we have when our friends or family members experience a loss.  And since you are such an empathetic individual by nature and have personally experienced many types of loss, the meaning behind your cards – and I know when you gifted me a card, it was so beautiful.  You’re an artist, so the images on the cards – you create them yourself, so it’s not just the messaging.  There’s so much beauty in the gift that you give your customers and families alike. 

Thank you.  I’m glad you brought up the artwork, too.  That’s definitely something that I keep in mind as I create it, of what something feels like or how I’m feeling at the time as I’m creating it, in an effort to also bridge that gap and an effort to also have some kind of emotional connection even before the card is opened and read. 

I love it.  So other types of cards that can be helpful, other than infant loss – give us examples of all of the different cards that you’ve created and how people can find your cards, where they can purchase them. 

Yeah, my cards fall into a few categories.  One is straight sympathy where they’re created either with a specific kind of relationship loss in mind, or in general, coming alongside somebody who you know is going through something, going through their grief journey, and you want to come alongside them and say something more than just “My Sympathies.”  Here’s an example of one of those. 

As the waves of grief come, remember you are not alone.  Please reach out for support.  Let us lift the burdens that you can share so the weight of it all doesn’t pull you under.  We are here for you and so sorry for you loss. 

Beautiful. 

So there’s cards like that, that aren’t necessarily about the relationship specifically.  Or I have cards that are about the relationship specifically.  I have cards that are coming for loss of babies, multiple, loss of baby, loss of baby boy, loss of baby girl, loss of daughter, loss of son, among other relationships, as well.  So that’s the straight sympathy cards. 

Then I have holiday or celebration sympathy cards.  They acknowledge how this particular celebration or gathering may be harder because you’re also grieving.  Grieving the loss of a child during Christmas or the loss of a loved one during Christmas; grieving a loss over Mother’s Day, or infertility during Mother’s Day, or where Mother’s Day is both joyous and sorrowful; if you happen to have joy as well during that day, but you’re also grieving the loss of a child.  I have a both/and card for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. 

A birthday card for somebody who is also grieving.  Cards like these really acknowledge how the celebration itself, society itself, doesn’t tend to make space for our realities when we’re also grieving, so I decided to make them in hopes that those people don’t feel more disconnected and more “other” and more alone in their reality because we haven’t decided to make space.  I have made space for them in these cards. 

I have cards that lean into positive affirmation, into encouragement.  I think these are a really beautiful thing that could be touching to this community.  Cards that say, you are enough.  You matter.  You are loved.  You are brave.  You can do hard things.  These kinds of words of encouragement that we may not be telling ourselves as we’re in the thick of it, but we really need to hear.  

And then the last kind of card that I make is something called a keepsake prompt card.  And they are geared more toward the happy celebrations where you want to be intentional in the connection with somebody, so there are prompts inside to fill out.  If it’s a birthday, they say things like, my favorite thing we do together is _____.  If I could give you anything in the whole wide world, I would give you _____.  I hope you always know _____.  It’s a really beautiful way to stop, be intentional, say the things that maybe you haven’t said before, and I find it to be a really touching way to connect with someone instead of just signing your name in another card. 

So those are the kinds of cards that I have, and they’re all really geared toward intentional connection, especially when words are hard to find. 

So as you described some of even your affirmation cards, I’m thinking of our doula clients who may be on bedrest, who may be celebrating a pregnancy but also grieving a prior loss and they’re in that in between space.  And then just a simple, you are loved, you are enough – all of that can make a difference in a time where it is stressful and you feel like one foot is grieving and then the other part of your body is wanting to celebrate and be joyous, but you’re torn.  It’s like you’re almost split in half.  And you had mentioned multiples.  We work with a lot of twin and triplet clients.  There may be a loss of one of the babies, and then they’re still stuck in too many different emotions, and people don’t know what to say or how to be there for them.  And sometimes people say the wrong things, like “At least you have one healthy baby of the twins.”  When you have these cards or these prompts, it can make a big difference because as you said at the start of our conversation, Christi, words matter, and sometimes those words can sit with you.  Even when I’ve attended births as a doula and hospital staff says something, like again, “At least you have a healthy baby,” or some of those things that can really hurt.  “You should be thankful even though you had a traumatic birth or didn't get what you wanted.”  Even processing birth trauma, it can be helpful to have a card or a friend listen and really feel like you’ve been heard. 

Absolutely.  Yeah, I think you hit it right on the head with your examples.  “At least” – starting the sentence that is spoken to somebody who is grieving, is going to be followed with some kind of invalidation, some kind of taking permission away to feel what they’re feeling.  And I’ve found that it does the opposite.  It doesn’t bring comfort to the griever.  It makes them feel more unseen.  It makes them feel more misunderstood, and it could lead to feeling like, what’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I just be happy?  And the answer is, because you’re grieving.  It’s normal.  It's okay to grieve that you had a traumatic birth.  It’s okay to do that because it’s within us and it needs to come out.  And when we try to ignore it and shove it down, it will come out sideways.  What a gift of a doula to be able to walk someone through permission to grieve in that space.  Sometimes we are so vulnerable when we are pregnant, expecting, going through birth, having just had birth, whatever step along the way we are, and having a doula that gives us permission to grieve is really powerful.  It’s really powerful.  I know for me, I’ve had many people in my life come alongside me and simply give me permission to grieve, and I’m so grateful for them because I didn't know I could do that.  I didn't know I could do that within my own self, but the fact that they did it for me – now I know I can do that.  But at the time, I really needed that support from somebody else, someone outside myself, to understand what it was.  It’s grief.  Understand it’s not wrong.  It simply is, and you have permission to feel it and move through it.  It's just a really powerful thing that you can give to people. 

It really is.  And you mentioned different milestones, like holidays or the anniversary of what would have been the birthday for baby.  What are times that our audience, who may not have personally suffered loss, can really keep in mind when trying to be sensitive, and if they’re thinking of sending a card, what would be appropriate?  You had mentioned Christmas or Mother’s Day.  

I think if they celebrate Christmas, that’s a big one.  For many people who celebrate Christmas, it’s got so many personal and societal expectations of how it’s happy and bringing everyone together, and then you have all these expectations that you have for what it will look like with the baby that you’re expecting.  When it doesn’t end up happening, if you lose your baby, if you miscarry like I did, this Christmas doesn’t look the way it should because I should have been eight months pregnant now, or the gifts we would have been given would have been all about baby.  There’s just so many things about it that feel wrong to you, but you also feel like you can’t talk about it because it feels like everyone else has moved on.  Acknowledging that with a card that simply says, it may feel like the world has moved on, but I want you to know that you matter and you’re not alone and you are seen – it’s a gift that will help them release the feeling of being alone.  

The other one that I think is really powerful, I have cards for the month anniversary, acknowledging it.  My miscarriage of twins happened in July, so acknowledging how July itself is harder because there are things that my body remembers about this month that I can't just ignore.  And if I’m going through it, to have someone else acknowledge that, hey, I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you, and I understand how July could be harder for you, and I want you to know that you matter to me – that can be a really beautiful gift for them, as well. 

Definitely.  Thank you for sharing that.  So for our listeners who are personally going through loss, what tips do you have for them? 

I would say that if you haven’t already experienced it, it can feel shocking that people’s reactions, in my experience, fall into really three main categories.  One is where somebody shows up in a very meaningful way that feels like they’re present, that feels like they’re listening and that they really are feeling the thing with you. 

The other is, people are really uncomfortable with it, and in an effort to try to ease your suffering, will say something like, “At least ______.”  “At least you have a healthy baby.”  “At least you weren’t further along.”  Whatever it is.  I would encourage you to understand that although their intent is to not hurt you, that it’s okay to recognize that what they said hurt and felt invalidating, and it’s okay to grieve that somebody just did that to you. 

The third thing that I’ve found is people don’t know what to say.  They know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the invalidating comments.  They don’t want to do that, and they also are so afraid that whatever they say will inadvertently hurt you that they simply don’t acknowledge it at all.  And what I would encourage you to recognize in that moment is that, again, their intent is to not hurt you, but their impact, that I have felt, is that they are putting the weight of their discomfort on you to pretend like your reality isn’t what it is.  Understand that that is something to grieve.  It is okay to grieve when somebody does that.  It’s okay to acknowledge that was not their intent.  And the thing that I’ve found the most shocking about those three different categories of people is that it does not matter how close or not close a relationship is to you.   You will have people who fall into all three categories across the board.  You will have complete strangers who you don’t know show up for you in the most meaningful way if they find out that’s what happened.  You will have people who may be your best friend of a lifetime who say the invalidating thing, or a family member say nothing or not acknowledge it.  And that to me was the most shocking.  I kind of assumed that the closer to me, the more meaningful the response and the further away, the more invalidating, and that’s just not what I experienced. 

So if you are grieving, I would just tell you that if that’s what you’re experiencing, you’re not alone.  I’ve experienced it most.  Most people I’ve talked to have experienced it as well, and your feeling of people’s lack of capacity to show up for you is valid.  I hope you can also hold on to their intent, which is to not hurt you. 

Having said that, I do want to acknowledge that there are malicious people.  There are malicious people who may say something with intent to hurt you.  That’s not what I mean.  If there is somebody in your life who, knowing your loss, says something with intent to hurt you, they are not a safe person.  If you’re experiencing that, I would strongly recommend you talk to your doula or a therapist and get some external help to make sense of what’s happening because unfortunately, there are people who do want to cause harm.  I just want to acknowledge that it’s different than the first three that I mentioned. 

That makes complete sense, and so true.  So how can our listeners find your cards and connect with you personally, Christi? 

My cards are all on my website, Written Hugs Designs.  And all of my variations that I have on hand are listed there.  I do have the loss of babies, loss of baby, baby boy, baby girl – those are all coming and will be up shortly, so check back in a couple of weeks.  They are on order, so they are coming.  And I’m also on Instagram and Facebook @writtenhugsdesigns.  You can find me there! 

Thank you so much, Christi!  I know I'll be ordering more of your cards myself. 

Thank you, Kristin!  I appreciate you inviting me on, and thank you so much for doing this really important work and helping people learn how to connect through loss in this way. 

Thank you!  I appreciate the work you’re doing! 

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